TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different put where by American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's Trump Tower Damascus prepare is less complicated: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the job, replied, "You know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting interest from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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